Joe Says

Gay Friends

Joe Says… “I want a Gay friend”

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I’ve got tha powa

At approximately 3:15PM today, I took out my last cigarette, split it in half, and threw it in the bin along with the packet.

That’s right, I have quit smoking.

I’ll keep you up-to-date on my cravings (if they come) and whatnot. Bo Selecta.

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In fashion this week

OK so for this upcoming Winter, this is what us males should be wearing as it will be whats IN and HIP:

• Long woolly buttoned coat
• Man-bag
• Beanies
• A general dark colour scheme

The coat needs to be simple yet stylish, you should try to acquire one which will provide adequate warmth for cold weather.

Slip-on shoes may not be the best idea due to possible rainy/snowy weather, so you’ll need to gather some stylish outdoor shoes yet have slip-ons for indoor piss-ups and whatnot. Just be careful when you’re wearing your slip-ons as they can become dirty and faded quickly.

Try new things, dare to be different, and good luck in finding the right winter wear this year.

Much love.

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Joe knows..

..How to get hammered.

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The perfect hoe

Now this, is the perfect list of all features a hoe should have to be the perfect hoe to their pimp daddy. Check it, homes:

1. She’s shit hot (obviously)
2. She’s slightly smaller than you.
3. She has all the right things in the right places, and of the right amounts (I’m talking no extra hair where I don’t want it..)
4. She’ll call you up at 3 in the morning begging for your manhood.
5. She’s available for your manhood to taint her at all times.
6. She never lies.
7. She never cheats, she just waits for you to cheat on her.
8. She doesn’t mind when you want to watch porn with her. In fact, she enjoys it!
9. She’s kinky, and up for trying anything. Without screaming
10. She’ll rape you while you’re asleep.

If I had a hoe like that, my life would be perfect. With my perfect hoe. If you meet the requirements of the list, then feel free to leave your name and number (and a photograph, no mingers) in the comments.

Bitchin’.

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Damn drunk

As we know, Joe likes to drink - but Joe knows it’s too far when you get accused of intent of bodily harm to a female. Joe knows it’s an over-reaction on their part, but when you’re drunk and angry because you get in between a fight between two other people, doing something like that is just gold for someone to pick up on and slate you for.

Now you’re an “aggressive drunk“.

And because you’re so angry about people thinking that, you’ll get SO drunk that you will become aggressive, and it will just get worse, and worse until people start to hate you for being that way. You know it’s going to happen, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it - you’d think you’d be able to stop yourself from becoming an aggressive alcoholic in the early stages but to be honest you don’t give a rats ass.. so here it comes. Good luck to you, sir.

Basically, the point I’m trying to make is simply be god damn careful with alcohol, and drugs (especially drugs - that’s bad shit).

Tip: Drinking is bad. But good. Use this power wisely.

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A little of everything

A status update on Joe at the moment:

Life’s a bit dull right now, people getting me down, no hoes on the go at the moment.. perhaps a few possibilities in the near future but I’d prefer to have poontang now rather than later. The past weekend was just OK really, I mean I was drinking every night (which made me feel quite ill over the entire weekend) but yet nothing really special happened so it didn’t feel all that great.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my bad habits lately, like smoking - of course I know how bad it is, I know I should stop and the more I smoke the more likely I’m not going to quit and die a painful death spewing out tar (I’ve been watching Constantine), and then choking on it when I’m 25. It’s also got to a point where I don’t do it just because I enjoy to, I do it because I need to. I seriously crave. It sucks.

So, I’m a bit depressed, and I’m pretty sure the only thing that will cure it is some serious poontang. So, if you know of any good-looking-teenage-whores, I’d be happy to have their numbers.

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Stress!

Joe’s had a stressful weekend, and is still feeling rather hungover from all the drama (and vodka). The internal damage I’ve caused my to my right hand has made it fat, red, and sore. I believe that some bruises will start shining through soon.

Joe has some life long tips for you guys:

1. Never trust a woman
2. Always trust in your close friends
3. Never trust a woman
4. New friends are just around the corner
5. Never trust a woman
6. Simple ‘mates’ will stab you in the back any chance they get, only associate with your closest friends, and finally;
7. Never trust a woman

Stick by these 7 rules and you will have a good life, don’t - and forever be screwed.

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Man’s guide to going out

Here is my step-by-step guide on how to get ready for a night out, this is my personal method and so I’m passing on my strategy to you.

1. Shower. Take about 20-30 minutes for a decent shower, wash your hair twice with shampoo, and once with conditioner - rinse thoroughly.
2. Get dry. Use a hair-dryer on your hair, make sure its nice and dry - should now be a huge afro.
3. Apply underwear.
4. Straighten hair, take about 20-30 minutes to ensure its well done. Consider using styling spray to keep hair in place after straightening.
5. Choose what you’re going to wear, consider new colour and style combinations - dare to be different!
6. Apply smellies. Brush teeth, prepare condoms.
7. Get dressed into chosen attire. Place condoms in man-bag.
8. Spend another 10 minutes straightening your hair to ensure there are no curls/flicks.
9. Look at yourself in a full body mirror, make sure you’re happy with your style. Take a good 5-10 minutes to do this.
10. Go out, party, and have sex (of course safely, seeing as you’ve already got the condoms in your man-bag)!

And your done. Remember, Joe’s here to help, so if you have any questions on being a modern trendy male - don’t be afraid to ask in the comments.

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Old people

Let’s face it, old people suck ass. They’re annoying, boring, and bitch all the time. If it were up to me, every person would be shot by the time they reached the age of 60.

What’s the point in them even living, they’re absolutely no good to society, and even if they’re your family you just get ticked off with them anyway - and for good reason too!

They’re terrible drivers (they go 20mph in a 30 or even 40 zone), they’re never happy with anything (they just HAVE to moan about something or other), they’re wrinkly, they smell, and worst of all they’re old fashioned and wont ever stop complaining about technology because they’re too damn stupid to understand it.

And that’s my wisdom on the elderly.

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Tips on being trendy-cool

1. I’ve always said to myself; don’t listen to what the other kids say, they just wish they could dare to be emo like me. Deep down, they wish those Nikes’ were checkers patterned slip-ons like mine.
2. Long hair on males just shows how masculine you are. Its the trend!
3. Looking somewhat homosexual, just makes you seem more of a man. Its reverse psychology, you see.
4. Tighter the clothing, the better.
5. Accessories can be difficult to master, though a sharp razor to the wrist will ensure you have that “emo look” spot on.

More of my genius on fashion, coming at a later date.

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Illness

I’ve noticed that a lot changes when you’re ill, people around you change, and you yourself change. At the moment I have a cold, which is most definitely affecting my social skills as well as my fitness; I don’t feel well enough for the gym and haven’t for the past three days.

It’s not absolutely horrendous or anything, as a flu would be, its a cold and I can still do stuff but I constantly feel worn out and I keep having extremely random emotional spurts. For example, one minute I can be very giggly, and the next I can be very moody. Which isn’t working so well with the ladies.

Status report complete, over and out.

Today’s money saving tip: Never pay for gym membership. Either get it free somehow (like me), or use large juice bottles for bicep curling.

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Introduction

Hello, my name is Joe, and this my friends, is Joe Says. This exists due to the fact that during my daily life, I often deploy my words of great wisdom which are appreciated by the masses - and so, I decided to bring that wisdom to the web, big style.

I hope that you civilians will enjoy and find comfort in my endless wisdom.

Bra’ap.

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