Joe Says

The perfect hoe

Now this, is the perfect list of all features a hoe should have to be the perfect hoe to their pimp daddy. Check it, homes:

1. She’s shit hot (obviously)
2. She’s slightly smaller than you.
3. She has all the right things in the right places, and of the right amounts (I’m talking no extra hair where I don’t want it..)
4. She’ll call you up at 3 in the morning begging for your manhood.
5. She’s available for your manhood to taint her at all times.
6. She never lies.
7. She never cheats, she just waits for you to cheat on her.
8. She doesn’t mind when you want to watch porn with her. In fact, she enjoys it!
9. She’s kinky, and up for trying anything. Without screaming
10. She’ll rape you while you’re asleep.

If I had a hoe like that, my life would be perfect. With my perfect hoe. If you meet the requirements of the list, then feel free to leave your name and number (and a photograph, no mingers) in the comments.

Bitchin’.

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Damn drunk

As we know, Joe likes to drink - but Joe knows it’s too far when you get accused of intent of bodily harm to a female. Joe knows it’s an over-reaction on their part, but when you’re drunk and angry because you get in between a fight between two other people, doing something like that is just gold for someone to pick up on and slate you for.

Now you’re an “aggressive drunk“.

And because you’re so angry about people thinking that, you’ll get SO drunk that you will become aggressive, and it will just get worse, and worse until people start to hate you for being that way. You know it’s going to happen, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it - you’d think you’d be able to stop yourself from becoming an aggressive alcoholic in the early stages but to be honest you don’t give a rats ass.. so here it comes. Good luck to you, sir.

Basically, the point I’m trying to make is simply be god damn careful with alcohol, and drugs (especially drugs - that’s bad shit).

Tip: Drinking is bad. But good. Use this power wisely.

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Stress!

Joe’s had a stressful weekend, and is still feeling rather hungover from all the drama (and vodka). The internal damage I’ve caused my to my right hand has made it fat, red, and sore. I believe that some bruises will start shining through soon.

Joe has some life long tips for you guys:

1. Never trust a woman
2. Always trust in your close friends
3. Never trust a woman
4. New friends are just around the corner
5. Never trust a woman
6. Simple ‘mates’ will stab you in the back any chance they get, only associate with your closest friends, and finally;
7. Never trust a woman

Stick by these 7 rules and you will have a good life, don’t - and forever be screwed.

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Man’s guide to going out

Here is my step-by-step guide on how to get ready for a night out, this is my personal method and so I’m passing on my strategy to you.

1. Shower. Take about 20-30 minutes for a decent shower, wash your hair twice with shampoo, and once with conditioner - rinse thoroughly.
2. Get dry. Use a hair-dryer on your hair, make sure its nice and dry - should now be a huge afro.
3. Apply underwear.
4. Straighten hair, take about 20-30 minutes to ensure its well done. Consider using styling spray to keep hair in place after straightening.
5. Choose what you’re going to wear, consider new colour and style combinations - dare to be different!
6. Apply smellies. Brush teeth, prepare condoms.
7. Get dressed into chosen attire. Place condoms in man-bag.
8. Spend another 10 minutes straightening your hair to ensure there are no curls/flicks.
9. Look at yourself in a full body mirror, make sure you’re happy with your style. Take a good 5-10 minutes to do this.
10. Go out, party, and have sex (of course safely, seeing as you’ve already got the condoms in your man-bag)!

And your done. Remember, Joe’s here to help, so if you have any questions on being a modern trendy male - don’t be afraid to ask in the comments.

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Tips on being trendy-cool

1. I’ve always said to myself; don’t listen to what the other kids say, they just wish they could dare to be emo like me. Deep down, they wish those Nikes’ were checkers patterned slip-ons like mine.
2. Long hair on males just shows how masculine you are. Its the trend!
3. Looking somewhat homosexual, just makes you seem more of a man. Its reverse psychology, you see.
4. Tighter the clothing, the better.
5. Accessories can be difficult to master, though a sharp razor to the wrist will ensure you have that “emo look” spot on.

More of my genius on fashion, coming at a later date.

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